Damn Straight, Monkey Boy!
by Callie Summers
Summary: What happens when two completely clueless teenage girls decide to take on Final Fantasy IX at 11:36 P.M. on a Sunday? Zidane must be dizzy. PG-13 for language... let me know if this is funny in the least. ^_^;;


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Damn Straight, Monkey Boy!

A rant fic by Callie Summers

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I decided to write this after yet another failed attempt to progress anywhere in Final Fantasy IX. I'm convinced I'll never finish an RPG, ever. Here's a basic play by play of what goes on whenever my friends and me decide to pop in a Final Fantasy (insert roman numeral here) game and try to actually do something right. (And yes, I was very tired when I wrote this.)

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Pepsi and Mountain Dew in hand, Jeri and I tumble down the basement stairs and skip toward the playstation. "What do you wanna play?" I ask, plopping my rear down onto a large purple inflatable chair that used to inhabit my sister's room. Jeri flips her red hair behind her ears and examines the two-foot high stack of video games next to the television.

"Hrm we played Star Ocean 2 last night FF8 sucks FF7 got REALLY weird King of Fighters?"

"Love to, but I'm still not over my Terry Bogard fixation." I shudder and shake my head. Jeri gives me that look.

"Ye gods How about Dance Dance Revolution?" I raise an eyebrow at Jeri, completely flopped out in my chair and showing no sign of moving.

"Yeah. How about I just watch you fall on your ass trying to play?" I quip. Jeri sticks her tongue out at me.

"Legend of Legaia?" I just laugh. Jeri pokes at the games again, then pulls out another CD case.

"We haven't played FF9 for a while. Should we give it another whirl?" I shrug and grin.

"Sure. I get to see Monkey Boy again." I grin happily. 

"He has a name," Jeri answers. She pulls out Disc 1 and pops it into the console. The Final Fantasy IX opening floats onto the screen, and I sing along while Jeri opens up our soda cans. 

"Okie dokie," I muse. "Continue slot 1 Zidane level 7 Booya!" Our game comes onto the screen, and we're

"Oh shit," I continue. "We are in the friggin' middle of the world map." Jeri looks at me from her seat on the red futon.

"Where are we supposed to go next?" I shrug helplessly. Jeri sighs and points up. "Go that way."

So Zidane walks up, or north, or southwest, or wherever he's going. Ten seconds into the walk

"Aw, CRAP!!! Stupid stupid evil fly buggers!" I pound my fist onto the arm of the chair and prepare for battle. Swords slash, spells fly, and Freya jumps. Finally the fly buggers fall to their untimely deaths. Jeri takes a swig of Dew and cheers.

"Booya! Kick ass!" I laugh and continue going up, down, all around, killing baddies of all kinds. Eventually our HP gets dangerously low and our potions are gone, so I start running from battles as soon as the music kicks in. Finally, we hit a wooden door. 

"Wait a sec, weren't we just here when we left off three months ago?" It's Dragon Gate at Lindblum.

Jeri nods. "Yu-huh how about you go in there and buy as many potions as freakin' possible? Maybe then we won't die as easy." 

Zidane wanders into the gate, runs around in a circle a few times just for kicks, then proceeds to spend about 5,000 gil on 99 potions, the most we're allowed to buy. Then we stop and ask a guard what we're supposed to be doing.

"Gizamaluke Grotto! I remember!" Jeri exclaims. "Okay, so now all we have to do is retrace our steps, right?" We look at each other warily. Here goes nothing.

I took Zidane back out onto the world map, where he stood still looking at me. Finally I remembered that we had a map. "We have a map," I state, hitting the select button. Up popped a map of the mist continent covered in white dots.

"Well THAT'S helpful," Jeri snorts. "Go to that white dot and see what happens!" So I navigate the little glove over to a dot. Chocobo Forest. Hmm. Next dot- South Gate, Alexandria. Nooope. Next dot Oh, great, Lindblum. ARGH! Finally we hit the right dot.

"Okay, so we have to go around that mountain and twist through that valley and then we'll hit the inside of that cave there." I look blankly at Jeri, then Zidane. 

"Do something, Monkey Boy!" I order. Zidane just stands there looking yummy. 

"Oh, give me that!" Jeri yells. She rips the controller from my hand and starts to pilot the lovely tailed boy. I lean back and watch, often staring at monkey boy's muffiny butt. Zidane and crew end up fighting about fifteen battles as we twist around the land, checking the world map every minute and whining about the fog. "I can't see a damn thing," Jeri whines. 

"Visibility is definitely at zero-" Pause. "Dude, this is a video game!" I suddenly realize. "Argh, stupid Squaresoft and your realistic graphics! Give me 8-bit Nintendo ANYTIME!"

About twenty minutes later with Vivi dead and Freya in bad shape we arrive at Gizamaluke Grotto. A save and a tent later we're all happily ready to go ring bells and save Moogles. Into the Grotto and BAM!

"Dear god, not another battle," I moan, sinking even further down in my chair. "Why us?"

"We need the EXP," Jeri replies, sending Zidane on a mad rampage.

"Make him glow," I order. 

"Glow?"

"Ya know. When they get pissed off? Like limit breaks."

"Ooh ya mean TRANCE."

"Yeah, they turn into holographs!" Jeri smacks her head while she waits for the party to power up. Finally, the skeleton and two floating thingers are dead. 

"Yippie!!" I cheer. "Hey look, evil Vivis!" We've entered another chamber, and there are mages walking around screaming "KILL! KILL!"

"They sound like you after Calculus," Jeri laughs, poking me in the arm. I whack her on the back of the head.

"Shut up." 

The game proceeds. We beat up mages, ring bells, open doors, huggle moogles, accidentally climb back up to the world map, climb down, save the game, tent, and go through that one last door that leads to

"AW, F---" Jeri punches me in the arm before I can go on a blue streak.

"It's just a boss, Cal," she says. The fear is not lost in her voice. "Chill. Just chill."

So this evil slimy thing with bat wings pops out of the water. Thirty seconds later, our whole party is lying dead on the floor. Jeri and I stare blandly at the screen. "Told ya," I mutter. Jeri swears and wrinkles her nose. We restart the game and go for the boss again. This time we manage to keep Zidane alive when he goes all trancy, although Vivi and Freya are toast. It's down to Zidane and the boss. Attack. Attack. Potion. Potion. Attack. Potion. Phoenix down. Crash. Water. Potion. Attack. Attack. Attack. And finally

"YEEHAW!!!" Jeri and I burst into cheers when the Gizamaluke boss finally falls back into the water with a giant, computer animated SPLASH. 

"Booya!" I continued. "Damn straight, monkey boy!!" Jeri laughs as the scene flips to Steiner entering South Gate. We save ASAP and look at each other. Mentally and physically exhausted, we silently agree on our next course of action.

"So wanna go watch Star Wars?"


End file.
